How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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