I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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