I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
