Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Randomize
