I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
