i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I AM VODKA MAN
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
