a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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