true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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