FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
