genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
