So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
