Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
