I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
