do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize