I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
