my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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