hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
