two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
