true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
