does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize
