You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
