yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
