I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
