there was a trapeze. enough said
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
