Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
