I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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