My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
