i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
