Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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