just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
