Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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