I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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