Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
