Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
