Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
