Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
