i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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