onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
