just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize