If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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