Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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