I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
