i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize