Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
