We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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