I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
My feet surprised me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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