Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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