we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
