I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Randomize
