I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
