God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
