pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize