Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
bring money and cleavage
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
