I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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