Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
