I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
