i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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