Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Still dying that you shit outside
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
