Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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