dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
