drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
