The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
