The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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