Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
