i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
