actually, I'm a sock model
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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