my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
